recent days have been a constant turmoil on my body and mind. one of the parts of being dissociative for me are these strong feelings i am not sure where they are coming from. these usually happen when i get triggered by something, but don't forget what i've been doing completely. the thing is, i don't know what triggered me, which i guess means the cursed safety mechanism 'worked'. i've been in a constant daze recently, in addition to financial stress i've been under. apparently, in the last few months i've been receiving over 500 euro less than what i'm owed, because documents i sent to my case workers earlier got overlooked.

things like this always catch me off guard because i have this ingrained, naive belief that special insances and people in power will somehow be responsible and careful. the hard pill for me to swallow was the fact that things can always be overlooked, and most of the time people will not look twice. i can't rely on any sort of sense of duty or professionalism on anyone. i don't know why i still believe that these are given when you filfill an important job. for most people, i guess, it's just a job - with no moral strings attached.

i think my mistrust in authority clashes with my - natural to me, but unrealistic - expectations towards them. i've been struggling with this kind of dissonance a lot with people. on a logical level, i know why people may act like they do, but on emotional one, i absolutely can't cope. whenever i see behvaior i don't really 'understand' or relate to, i get vry overwhelmed and anxious and angry. not exactly because i hate the person, but because it just doesn't compute in my head. i really am trying to work on it because it makes social contacts very difficult. i love hearing other people's perspectives, i love debating and learning new things and i wish i didnt have this gut response to deem people as stupid just because of stuff like not sticking to the topic of discussion exactly. (but also, really, is it that hard?)

i am starting therapy geared towards autistic people in february with hopes to make social contacts and existing in general easier to cope with. i really envy people who don't seem to have trouble with empathy and accepting people's perspectives easily. even in autistic spaces i feel alienated in this, as nowadays most people seem to deem it as a 'hurtful stereotype' rather than something a neurodivergent person can truly struggle with. it makes me feel like a bad person somewhat. but also makes me angry and makes me feel like they are stupid, just like with any opinion that doesnt match my experience (therefore being wrong in my eyes. and i feel anger towards things i perceive as incorrect. because i get confused why they are being done/said in the first place.). do you see the problem? god, i wish i was the more acceptable, less stereotypical ND. i wish i knew how to cope better, or be one of the empathetic ones. i wish i was even ABLE to mask better, or hold a job. i wish i wasn't a 'stereotype'. i actually found a reddit post from 2 years ago that i really relate to, and i am glad that there was someone who could explain my point of view better than i ever could.

anyway. all the financial stress, coping with my deficiencies and dissociation made my immune system take a nosedive, probably. that and how cold my apartment is. it feels like i've been sick every second week now. it has made me constantly exhausted and bedridden. not gonna lie, i feel like covid tanked my immune system, permanently. my case wasn't severe, as i was always on top of my vaccines, but i can't help but think that it's a big factor here.

because of being ill constantly, i've been way too sporadic with my website updates and other creative endeavors. i also stepped back from public spaces like forums, because i don't feel like i can contribute in a meaningful way right now, and i feel like it would be much easier for me to get angry at someone over nothing, just because i am overstimulated from pain, coughing and fever all the time. i've been enjoying some gaming with my friends though. they know me and accept me, and i know trust them enough not to get confused at their behavior constantly, which is a nice break for my brain. i've been enjoying watching youtube videos about philosophy - and some petty drama to balance it off. alone, i'v been obsessed with Infinity Nikki! i love it's lore and all the clothes you can collect. i also figured out how to mod Stardew Valley so the colors do not overstimulate me. now i can actually play comfortably! i also saw 'The VVitch' with my friends - it was beautifully directed and i found it pretty cathartic (sadly not really scary though). i hope to watch more movies with my friends soon!

there are many things throughout my day that i'd love to record or reflect upon, but the moment i sit down to write a blog post, it's like my mind turns blank. i think it's probably because i am scared of writing a diary post, something incoherent when it comes to it's topics, more important to me than strangers on the internet. Rosaria taught me about the phenomena of the unseen voyeur recently, and i feel like that's what i am experiencing right now. now that i think about it, i always lacked faith in myself to be interesting enough, but also in others to actually give a damn about anything. i feel like it's a result of my old misantrophic ways with a dash of trauma. i really need to take time to unlearn it and work on my confidence. maybe sit down and actually write out everything i'm feeling.

speaking of working on myself, i have started exercising again! mostly because i've been inactive for long enough that i lost the rest of my strength and stamina, and the thought of it is really scary. as much as i'd love to stay in my bed forever, i'd hate to feel trapped in my own body. and i still want to go on hikes, bike trips and walks, and visit museums. so i started small of course, exercising for a short time about two times a week. a bit by myself, a bit with motivation of ring fit adventure. i really would love to start practicing boxing at some point. i was never allowed to do martial arts as a kid, even though it's been a longtime dream of mine. is it just me or are our early twenties basically made for making our childhood self happy? bit more autonomy, a bit more money and a child's dream are an unstable mix.

in other news i have been getting sick all the time lately. i have no idea if it's a post-covid corpse of an immune system in me, or maybe constant inhalation of second-hand smoke from my indoor-smoking neighbours next door. i think it negatively impacts my health and wellbeing. at first i thought i was just making shit up, but yeah, my clothes in the hallway started smelling like smoke, even if faintly. the air in the hallway quickly becomes unbreathable even if i air out my apartment multiple times a day. ive been having headaches and now recently there is this constant tightness and pain in my chest. it's been happening for years now and knowing that nobody can really forbid my neighbours from smoking in their own home really frustrates me. i wish i had money to move. or at least, i wish people had more sensibility and consideration for other's health. i can't even invite my darling over because of his asthma. imagine staying away from cigarettes only for someone to fuck your lungs up anyway...

i guess i will have to have my window open at all times, even now, in winter. which doesn't help with being sick, but want to at least have oxygen in my own home, since i am spending so much time here. speaking of which, despite staying at home so much, i haven't been doomscrolling much at all. i get bored of it quickly somehow, exen the short video content doesn't do it for me anymore. i've been focusing more on calling with friends, gaming, writing on forums, coding my website and drawing. i feel like my neocities gave me a much needed push to focus on my creative endeavors. i made an email and i've already had someone contacting me there because of my website. i did not expect it at all, i really thought nobody would bother, so i got really happy. despite everyone having their own websites, i feel more connection to people on neocities than anywhere else somehow. also, finding some active forums was a godsend and i really recommend registering on one.

time to wrap it up, despite my mild sickness i am gonna visit my darling and his dad for a birthday celebration. i hope i can manage, lol, wish me luck.

i woke up to a snowy landscape outside today. i don't know why, but it always puts me in a nostalgic and reflective mood. maybe it has something to do with a new year coming around, or maybe just the serenity of it all, as soon as the last cheap fireworks fail to imitate the stars. i started my first diary in winter. i started my venting account in winter (the vent app is gone now, good riddance). i started my first website in winter, my current one too. yeah, there must be something about this time.

and here i am, sicker than ever. i think covid has tattered my immune system beyond repair. i used to never get sick, now it happens every few weeks or so it seems. i am also more broke than ever - rising prices and stagnating disability money don't do my finances any favors. and yet my creativity seems to be blossoming despite it all. it's like i have some sort of drive that won't let me give up no matter how miserable i am. it's like a last shot of adrenaline before succumbing to your wounds, except on a loop. sometimes i feel like chance is keeping me alive artificially, long after my due. but what else can i do, other than persevere?

with every day i am coming to terms with being autistic - i guess it's basically confirmed by now, with how many professionals seem to see me as such. it really does explain my constant exhaustion with the world, the feelings of inadequacy. even after all this time, i struggle with feeling like i can never relax and just be me. i alwas feel like i have to put in extra effort to deserve a place in the world, to prevent 'friendship decay'. ironically, it seems to be straining my friendships instead. things really do seem to be easier when you are alone, but if they were better, would i still be this afraid to abandon everyone? i still long for connections. even a tre without a forest is connected to the world. to the root system, to the symbiotic mycelium, to the dirt of it all.

i have a lot of work to do. i want to build a life i do not want to run away from. i want to spend the rest of my days with my lovely darling. one of my year 2025 resolutions it to apply on a housing waiting list, so we can move in together. i have many more concrete goals. no matter how specific and small and necessary i made them, i honestly would rather let the snow cover me. i know it's silly to be angry about having to work on myself if everyone kind of has to do it, i just wish the work stopped for me sometime. even when i'm resting, i second-guess myself.

but well, at least i can write it all down. maybe it won't be as heavy on my brain if i do? i was reading back on some of my posts here and i am really glad they are still here. i am some sort of a thought hoarder and i am afraid of forgetting things and missing connections. i really shouldn't have to try to keep it all in my dissociative, hole-ridden brain.

'The present moment holds infinite riches beyond your wildest dreams.', proclaims my daily cat photo calendar i got for christmas. Hm.

originally posted on spacehey - source.

aka short thoughts on avatars, personas, vtubers and building your own brand.

i guess you could say i am having a small epiphany regarding my existence on social media and online as a whole. this will be very unstructured, as i am still not sure what exactly my conclusion is. however, i am curious to learn your thoughts on the matter and whether you feel the same.

the core idea of it is that the internet doesn't feel as freeing as it used to anymore. instead of a place to escape to, online spheres became a corrupted reality 2.0, yet another thing to escape from. i wasn't sure why i started feeling like this. i slowly removed myself from all the mainstream social media, then imageboards, forums, obscure apps. now that i am here, it feels like i am merely on a temporary stop before removing myself from here as well, after i finish coding my neocities.

but why? ever since i was about 10 years old, the internet was my escape. i could express myself freely while staying somewhat anonymous, i could meet so many people who liked me and who were like me. it was so fun, making profiles, choosing avatars, forum signatures. making characters in online games and eventually, when i learned how to draw, my own 'personas', an original character to go by. i could be exactly how i wanted.

recently, these things don't feel like me anymore. i think it started when i was very active on instagram, as a digital artist. i made a small following of my own, did some comissions, got some fan art. but it was draining. i quickly realised that to make it big, you have to have a certain theme to yourself, a brand. and so, after several hiatuses, i never went back. i am just not good at keeping a theme, being consistent and reserved in my art. after a while, it started to feel like people liked what i acted out for them, my 'persona' instead of actually liking me.

you see, i thought the internet was freeing, because i could be accepted there despite my shortcomings as an autistic, mentally ill and not-insteagram-worthy-kind-of-beautiful person. but that was, yet again, just another kind of masking. a way to fit in, to compress myself into a character, a tiny box that people could easily check.

i guess this is why the concept of vtubers kind of scares me. not because i dislike the idea or that i think people doing vtubing do something wrong, but... the fact that this idea is so appealing. and yet it perfectly encapsulates turning yourself into a character, a brand. even if you don't perform as some sort of entertainer alter ego, you are not a person anymore, you are a character design, there to be entertaining and looked at. you are a brand.

i really wanted people to like me, for me. i thought that online i could achieve that. and yet, most of the time, if you want to be entertaining and popular, if you want to share something on a larger scale, you have to start pretending. the internet, especially social media, grew into it's own social rules and ecosystem, new norms to present yourself and to mask. you need to be recogniseable to stay relevant. you need to be consistent to appease the algorithm. never experiment, because people follow you for one thing only. and that thing is not really you. it's lonely.